tabula rasa

i dont know. i'm feeling grouchy again. feeling sad. left-out. i really dont know why. is it because that im so tired of pleasing people but was never pleased on what i do. or is it because that up to now, i dont have that special someone. there were times that il just lie in my bed and look at the ceiling. wondering what will happen to me in the next weeks to come, in the next years to come.

i thought of spending my life at my own apartment, living with someone that i'll be sharing my bed with, ordering chinese take-outs, watching a classic movie and just spending the wee hours at home. or maybe i'll be a stage actor, memorizing lines for the opening night. or just sitting at my desk, writing the next international bestseller. i dont know. these were just fantasies and dreams. and i know that it will never come true.

im not a complete pessimist. i just deal with reality the hard way.

i'll be truning 23 2 weeks from now. and i feel that i'm running out of time. each day becomes a routine. the excitement was gone. hope is fading. time is running out. not that i'm dying or something, but i just feel that i do not have the luxury of time in order for things to work my way. a lot of people gating my next decisions. a lot of them might not understand my decisions. i really don't care if they turn my backs on me, but i don't want to lose the people i once loved and cherished. maybe the only way for things to happen is to go to another country, a foreign land in which nobody knows me. i'll have a fresh start, a clean slate. and i'll be free to choose whatever i want to do. no one to pull me done, or criticize my every move and decision.

i guess i'm just tired. tired of living the life i have right now. i need a fresh start. and i need it badly.

hi, my name is DJ. what's yours?