in search for the unknown

Tell me what you want
What you really really want
I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna

Does anyone remember this song from Spice Girls? I’m not saying that Spice Girls are back in action, but it occurred to me that a part of their song lyrics is the actual question that’s been bothering me? People asking me, or what I usually ask myself. What do I really want?

Way back in college, during my freshmen years, I faced a similar dilemma. What do I really want after college? Will I stick with my current course? After 2 years, I then realize that I’ll go ahead and become an IE. Though at some time during that 2 years, I was continuously asking myself if I’ll stick with it. I considered a lot of courses to go take like PoliSci, Film, Architecture and even Theater Arts. What made me decide to finally choose IE as my career path is actually the “Multi-Faceted” work that I can get after I obtain my degree. Sometimes, I told myself that I’ll just “wing-it” and hope for good things to come.

Looking at myself today, I began asking myself what I really really want. Will I stay at Intel as an IE? Will I stay at Intel but work for a different group? Will I go outside Intel and see what other companies can offer me?
And I think that I’m not the only person facing this problem.

I remember 2 things during my interviews. One is that I’m looking for a company that can challenge me. Second is that, at this point, it’s not about the money but the work and training. I still both stand with those two arguments. But I need to be more specific this time.

“I’m looking for a company that can challenge me BUT only to the point where the challenges are logical, reasonable, realistic and rational”
“It’s not about the money but the work and training. But money will become an issue if I’m not paid well enough, and if the training I get is not enough for my own development.”

I asked around from other friends of mine from different departments and it seems that they’d also felt that work is becoming a pain in the ass.

“It’s unfair, I’m just new and still lacks training, and they expect me to do this?”
“I can’t stop comparing myself with my college classmates who works less but earns more.”

And my personal favorite

“Ako, ako, lagi na lang ako!”

It seems that we’re on the same page.

Looking at what happened to me for the past 6 months, where work is not fun anymore, I tried to back-track and reanalyze everything. Was it just a phase especially for new-hires. Do I not seek help from my boss? Was my expectations clear from the very beginning? Or was it freshmen years all over again? Should I “wing-it” again?


Filipino Masochist
As hard-working Filipinos, we tend to be workaholic especially for people who needs to provide for their family. We always want to please our bosses, even if we know that our bandwidth was now over-stretched. We work 8hours a day in the office, 4hrs a day at home, and around 4-6hrs over the weekend. It’s not because that we cannot finish what needs to be accomplished in a given 40hr/week paid work period. But we are obsessed in pleasing our bosses and the people around us. The “Intel way” really does not work for us 100%. We are talking about Filipino culture. About the Filipino human nature. One that a lot of American companies needs to know, understand, and not exploit.

Now as a new hire, we are more workaholic than anyone. Constantly trying to impress everyone. Filipino masochists. Ganun tayo, masokista.

But the lesson I learned is that I can’t impress everyone. So I just have to do my best. Either they like it or they don’t. I won’t take the fall at the end. Pagod na akong maging masokista.


To leave, or not to leave
At some point, you’ll think about leaving a company for some reasons that only you yourself could understand. This is more prevalent for new-hires. They usually don’t know if they’re working for the right company. Personally, I think that it’s the boss’s job to point out at which direction will the new hire go. Anyway, they have a lot more experience so they should be able to at least sell the company, provide a more solid direction, and lay down the options available. But what happens is that the new-hires were usually blindsided by their work, the issues and the environment around them. It’s unfair to compare their job with another job on a different company but usually, that pop’s up in their mind. In my head. Money vs Work will be the first basis comparison. Which at this point is very debatable.

I began thinking of leaving Intel a couple of months back. I was at my breaking point after seeing that there were no direction on what I’m doing, add to the fact the bureaucracy, working during weekends, multiple ARs and low income vs value-added done. The drive to do better was fading. I know it’s unfare to my boss, not telling him that I need some help. Add to the fact that I did not showed any emotions during my breaking point. I guessed I thought that it will just make things worst for me, and it might be taken against me. Though we are free to openly communicate with our bosses, my stand is, at least, at a very low probabaility, it will be taken against me. The heck with being objective. I could care less.

But why did I stayed? I slowly made a turnaround, bit by bit, after a couple of weeks of reanalyzing myself. The only way that I’ll survive is to phase myself. No more working during weekends, no more working at home from 8pm to 11pm. ARs can wait, my personal growth can’t. I began balancing urgent items. I have to be driven to work. I learned to push-back. I do compromise but my customers must learn to accept my terms. I’ll be talking to my boss soon. Let’s try to work thing out, “the Intel way.” I’m giving it another chance. “It” being my job, my career and the “Intel Way.” But I’ll still be the same person whom they called pasaway. “Pasaway na kung pasaway.”


At the end of the day
We all see our mistakes from the past. Mistakes that we wish never had happened. But those mistakes makes us stronger. We fall down so we’ll learn to stand up. And I mean, stand-up by ourselves. Bosses will be bosses. The employee will still be the employee. Reality check, your boss can only do much to help you out. At the end of the day, your decisions will either make or break you. You choose your path. You choose your life. There’s no looking back: Roadblocks ahead of that not-so-yellow-brick-road; Pitstops are just options along the way. You cannot change who you are, but you can influence your direction. It’s time to speak-up and earn every bit of integrity left. Time to show them what you’re made of: Made of the same flesh and blood that makes your boss, the boss. So be your own boss, and make yourself one. You earn every right to be one.